Happy Tuesday everyone!

Going to hit on one of my pet peeves today. Courtesy...or should I say, lack thereof?

What happened to all the kindnesses that were instilled in us when we were small? (Well, maybe when I was small and, my kids were small because, courtesy was never an optional thing for either generation.) I hear people talking to each other and sometimes, not meaning to eavesdrop, I listen. It isn't the content of the conversations that intrigue me, it's the tempo, and it's the tenor.

I hear adults who shout EVERYTHING!!!

"GIRL...what can I TELL you??!!! That's just the SHIT!"

Ok...this segues into the second part of my pet peeve: when did common conversation start integrating, acceptably, those cuss words that were formerly reserved for the unintelligent, unsophisticated and under educated? Or...for those times when absolutely NOTHING else would serve? Now these words are used in the same volume and frequency of 'hey, how're ya doing?" And have you taken a look at who's using them? WE ALL ARE!!!!

Two weeks ago, my daughter and I were caught in a freak snow storm on the way to Lake Tahoe. Though chained, the car started a slow slide off the road and the driver in back of us who was either riding too close, driving too fast or stuck her foot on the brake, slid right on into us...not once, but twice. Squashed my lil' bumper to smithereens (it was a Honda, their car was a big ol' Mercedes sedan). When we all came to a halt, my daughter (who'd been driving) got out and asked "Everyone ok?" The passenger in the car that hit us, got out and immediately called my daughter an "F'n bitch and what did she think she was doing stopping dead in the middle of the street! This wasn't their fault...it was HER fault, Goddam f*n IDIOT!" Continued like that for a few minutes. Didn't once ask if we were hurt or come over to check the damage to the car...just...carried on as though the language was acceptable and the situation warranted a temper tantrum (needless to say, we called the CHP). Fortunately, the only real damage was to vehicles and not to human bodies. And I'll give the individual credit...after a few words from the officer, he did tender my daughter a bit of an apology...not that that fixes things. Oh, and before you think it was some punk kid...it was a full grown man way past the age of knowing better.

I hear people talking on cell phones (as though the rest of us can't hear what you guys are saying. Not really a case of getting in anyone's business, more a case of people on cell phones in public ADVERTISING their business) and the language used is disturbing. "What the f*k!....Sh*t! I'll kick his A**! " and that's before any REAL conversation gets started! This language goes on while I'm walking nearby on a street, trying to buy my groceries or settling down to a nice, leisure meal in a restaurant. And THAT'S another thing - who decided that restaurants, where we alllll pay good money to sit down and enjoy a good meal with good company and good conversation, became acceptable phone booths??!! I don't really need to hear about someone's divorce, latest colonoscopy or cheating husband/wife over my salad and entree! And I don't need to know that Smith has failed to hand in the latest report on the company's latest merger either (that M'Fkng slug who can't manage to get a day's work done without someone putting a boot up his A**!!..." ok, I digress). Frankly, I don't need to hear about ANYTHING that's going on with you because...I don't know you!! Any of you. And the person that I'm sitting down with, eating my meal with...I already know them (that's why I'm having lunch with them!) I'd like the opportunity to find out what's new with THEM...not with you. I'm sure you're nice and all but, I do NOT need to know your business!

Cell phones are great - but they're not anonymous and they're not private. And there really IS no magic bubble that pops out of the bottom of the unit and covers you and all the conversational noise you are choosing to make. (No, really - it doesn't work that way. Tests have been made and studies published...it's official: your business is MY business when you carry on a personal conversation in my hearing! Who knew?)

Aaaand we make our way, slooowly, back to my original topic: courtesy.

Kids watch. They watch everything and everyone. They learn from an early age what is and isn't expected of them and whether respect and courtesy are really important. And when we don't watch what WE do in front of them, and what we SAY in front of them, they learn those things too. Ever go to a store or a doctor's office or even someone else's house and have to shout over the dulcet tones of someone's out of control child who is screaming at someone or something (and no, I'm not talking about a toddler here - I'm talking about kids from eight to twelve), throwing things and laughing about it or running in and out of aisles, tables or people? And when you look back at the parents, there they are, busy chatting with whomever they've met up with, blissfully unaware that their offspring are about to topple merchandise, run into furniture or break their necks on someone else's property. Not to mention bumping into me or you or anyone else in their way. And when they do? How many kids stop and say: "Sorry, didn't mean to bump you." ? How many of them turn and say: "Hey, bitch, get out of the way!"...just like they've seen on TV. Don't know about the rest of you but, I've had my share. And I look at the parents who are totally unconcerned and, at that point, more interested in getting their kids together and getting gone than checking for damage. These kids go on their merry way, secure in the knowledge that there's nothing remotely wrong with their behavior.

I just ate my lunch in a fast food restaurant (ok daughter, so sue me) and a ten year old kid came whipping by..,.IN THE RESTAURANT...on his bike. No one said a thing. If I were that kid, I'd figure, heeey....no problem! THIS is acceptable! If I, or either of my children had done such a thing twenty years ago, the manager would have exploded out of his office and, literally, thrown us and the bike OUT. Why not now? What's changed?

Remember these?

Please... thank you... may I help you?, are you all right? Let me get that for you... you're welcome. I'm sorry... Let me hold the door for you, you have your hands full....is that all you have in your cart? Why don't you go ahead of me....

I use these, my children use these, people from my generation were taught to use these. We were taught that people are what are important in this world and that there is a clear and distinct difference between class, sass and snot. When did we forget this maxim?

Years ago, there was a program on television called "The Roseanne Barr Show". My kids loved it. I loved it. It was quick, it was clever, it was fast paced. The lines given to Roseanne were the kinds of things we as parents would DIE to figure out quick enough to throw back at the stupidities our kids presented us with...and the lines given to those kids were snappy comebacks worthy of any comedian. And we laughed. Every night I fed my kids this right along with their chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. We all looked forward to it.

And then, one day, my little six year old came home and hit me with a few really good 'zingers' when I asked her to clean up her room. I was shocked and I was furious. How DARE she treat me with such disrespect??!!! And I let her know how absolutely angry she'd made me. Whereupon she continued to answer me with those cute and clever little flip remarks. In the end, those little remarks earned her one heck of a spank on her cute little butt. After she was done crying, I realized that she was genuinely puzzled over why I'd gotten so mad. And then it hit me....what had come out of her mouth was worthy of anything that came out of the mouth's of television's darling little smart mouth kids on that show we watched...every...single...night. Guess what happened THAT night? Yup - TV went off. And we never watched the show again - or any other show with a similar format.

Kids learn. They watch to see what makes us laugh. They watch to see what gets attention and they draw their own conclusions about what's 'cool' and what's clever and what will get them a moment of admiration for their daring. Why are we laughing??? Why is it funny to watch a kid talk back to his parents like a smart mouth adult? Because they're pint-sized and acting like a badly behaved grown-up? WHY ARE WE LAUGHING??!!! Teenagers are living out their own reality shows. Just listen to them. EVERYTHING is a drama worthy of television, and when it's not, they go to great lengths to make it so. We have instilled in our children that they must be 'special' and they must be 'outstanding' and they must get the 'attention'. What we haven't managed to do is figure out how to teach them what makes them special and what is really involved in someone who IS outstanding so they have a goal to strive for. More important, we have, as a society, managed to let our kids know that if they aren't attention worthy all the time, then they aren't attention worthy ANY of the time. They're trying to figure it out - we're not helping.

I boycott a lot of television shows. I boycott a lot of music. I don't like to see the worst of us portrayed and packaged as entertainment. I have my own 'reality' to worry about and I don't really like to see grown men and women acting like the worst clique kids in high school, disrespecting each other, engineering cat-fights or showing off just how far they dare to go to skim the rim of respectability. I may not enjoy the sound of some of today's music - but I listen to the words that are set to it and the words are often disturbing in the extreme. The first time a person refers to my daughter as his 'ho'....or his 'bitch', he's going to have trouble helping a woman conceive when the time comes, I promise. The first time a man refers to ME that way he's likely going to lose some teeth, if not something he holds more dear. I see teenagers refer to each other in this vein all the time. They don't even listen to what they're saying....half the time, they don't even KNOW what they're saying. It's all a new conversational 'patter'. They hear it everywhere and they're mimicking it. It says: Disrespect yourself and those around you, it's ok. You're not worth much anyway and neither is anyone else.

WHY ARE WE LAUGHING AT THIS??? Why aren't we in shock?? And why are we, as adults, playing this same game? Do we feel that it somehow youthenizes us? Don't label me square but, if this is youth - I'll take my gray any day.

I'm not a prude and I'm certainly not much of a conservative. I believed in giving my children latitude to figure out who they were. My daughter dressed in 'grunge' when grunge was the thing - but it was within MY boundaries when she did. Makeup was something EVERY girl wore - but there was a date set for when MY girl was allowed to wear it and acceptable limits as to how much and when. My kids didn't leave the house dressed inappropriately, period. Didn't mind having conversation about it but, bottom line was - I had the last word. Didn't mind explaining it, once. But the bottom line was, I had the last word.

Who is having the last word when someone's twelve year old is made up like a rock star on a bad day and dressed like Madonna in her heyday? What is that twelve year old, or fourteen year old or sixteen year old advertising when the whole point of their appearance is blatant sexual attraction...long before they're really clear about the possible end result of that attraction? Who is having the last word when the boy leaving the house for school is having trouble walking to the sidewalk because his pants are cinched down around his thighs and his boxers are showing and has anyone tried to figure out just what he thinks he has to prove by it? Me, I'd like those answers because, I'M pretty sure the kids don't have them.

I'm a feminist, I really am. I believe that girls and boys should shoot for the stars and become whatever they set their sights on becoming if they possibly can. I believe that young men and women are far more than their inherited good looks or athletic abilities. And I understand that attraction happens - it's suppose to! But what are we teaching our kids when we encourage by default, the kinds of attitudes and costuming that have come to be acceptable today? How far are we willing to abrogate our responsibility to them?

We, the adults, aren't the ones paying the ultimate prices here...or are we? Every year discourtesy grows, disrespect increases everywhere and our sense of boredom with whatever isn't pushing the envelope gets bigger and bigger. Isn't anyone else equating this with the kinds of insanity that have come to pass in the last decade? Children are bringing guns to school and shooting each other. Children are exchanging prescription drugs just to fit in and survive. Children are defacing property and shrugging it off when they're hauled down to court because, as children, they aren't really being held accountable. Girls are having sex at eleven because it's the 'cool' thing to do and dressing like sixteen year old's before they're ten because someone thinks that pint-sized adults are 'cute'. (I can think of many people who have thought that pint-sized adult girls were cute...cute enough to scoop off the street and kidnap, molest and kill).

And it's not JUST the kids. Look around you. How many people feel that ripping someone off if they're not smart enough to figure out they're being ripped off...is ok? How many companies have made a culture out of such behavior? How many people routinely tell off a store clerk or a bank teller or some other service provider because they're having a bad day , believing that this person is somehow PAID to take their crap? How many people equate what they have with what they are and expect the world to sit up and take notice? Personal commentary has become a national pastime these days. It's as though we're all sitting in a sound booth somewhere where no one else can hear us while we comment on how horrible" that girl's outfit is or.."Did you SEE the ass on that guy?" or "Did you know that so and so's wife is cheating on him?...without figuring out that so and so might be IN the room or his best friend might be in the room or somehow, some way this conversation might just be a little more private than so and so might want you indulging in on his or her behalf? Well, those things don't seem to be going through our collective little heads. They certainly aren't going through the heads of the actors who do it and we watch them religiously. If TV will present it, it must be ok, right?

WHY aren't we making these connections???

It's funny, I'm thinking that I've got off the point, but really, I haven't. Courtesy and respect are twins born of self-respect and self-worth. When we are important to ourselves, we have room to make other people important as well.

For me, I think I'll just go on as I've started. Thank you for reading (if you've been reading), please come back for my next 'Thotz' and, if I've sparked a thot or two of your own, you're entirely welcome. If I've disturbed you a bit, you're welcome for that as well.

Courtesy is an old fashioned word for a practice that should NEVER have gone out of fashion.

Let me get that door for you....

Good night!